We hear it again and again; that intention creates our reality. What we think is what we become. What we attach to is what we manifest. However I didn’t fully understand this until a particular incident occurred, and even then, it took me time to get the full picture of the powerful effects of self love, or in my case at the time; self-hate.
It was an unforgettable summer. My boyfriend and I were enjoying our road trip from San Francisco to Vancouver, taking in the beautiful sights that surrounded us along the way. We were grateful for the journey we were on; reminding each other how thankful we were to be experiencing breath-taking scenic views of the ocean and the beautiful national parks which we explored and camped in. It was a trip that had us appreciate living in the present and being in awe of the exquisiteness of the nature, which surrounded us. After almost a week of driving and camping out of our car, it was exciting to finally approach a small private resort which had a restaurant that extended to three swimming pools and showers to use. It’s the simplest of things like taking a shower and washing ones hair that we might take for granted when we have access to do it every day! We decided to park our car at the designated camper van area near the resort, and finally indulge in the luxury of washing our selves clean and going for a rejuvenating swim. It was around this time that I started to feel faint, so I decided not to go for a swim, but I was not leaving that place until I devoured a hot shower! As I walked into the ladies room, I noticed women of all ages crowded in the shower room, washing themselves and their children, and once a spot was free, I removed my clothes and stepped in.
A few minutes later I heard a few gasps and then one woman asking if I had hurt myself. I didn’t know what was happening, but at that moment someone else muttered ‘gross’ whilst others chimed in that I was bleeding. Heavily. I looked down at my naked body to see a stream of blood flowing down my leg and in the moment of panic not knowing whether I had cut myself or if…” You have you period”! Said one woman whilst her two young children pointed at me. I sensed their separation, slowly moving further away from me. It looked like I was encircled by stares. I couldn’t help but notice how some of the younger girls were looking at me up and down. I don’t remember much at that moment except the feelings of utter humiliation, and in my bare state, feeling very exposed and vulnerable surrounded by onlookers who were hurrying along to move out of the showers. Stupid period. Why do women have to get it-why did I have to get it now from all the other times I could have gotten it. Why do we need to go through this crap. And why was I bleeding so much? Am I some sort of freak? Stop bleeding. Stop! At that moment, I hated the fact I was a ‘woman’. It was clear that I was overly sensitive since I was menstruating and felt quite hormonal, however these were emotions that still overtook my every cell. ‘Yes I must have started my period’, I managed to say, which probably came out as a whisper since the only thing I could hear where my own terrifying thoughts of feeling on the spot as part of some sort of spectacle. I tried hard not to look down for I didn’t want to see how bad the situation could have seemed to others. After what felt like an eternity, I ran into one of the cubicles and quickly got dressed, trying hard to hold back my tears. ‘Its no big deal.’ I kept telling myself. “ We are all women here and this is normal,” I kept repeating in my mind over and over again. But I felt paralyzed by the embarrassment. The shame. I felt hatred towards my own sensitivity and for thinking too much about what had just happened. ‘For goodness sake, stop being so sensitive about it and snap out of it!’ I told myself. I took a few deep breaths and mustered my courage to walk out with my head held high. But inside, I felt like a child who had been disgraced in public. I had allowed it to distress me.
As soon as I got out and walked towards the exit of the resort, I burst into tears releasing the emotions I was holding onto inside. My boyfriend was waiting outside for me and kept asking what had happened. Part of me felt that I wouldn’t be understood; another felt I didn't want to relive the situation by having to explain. I tried to brush it off as something I might have over-reacted to and that I was fine. But he could tell I was deeply affected. I knew I had to let go of what I was holding onto so strongly inside. Shame is like a virus and feeds when kept in silence. In actual fact there was nothing really to be ashamed about, however the unexpected incident of it all had me feeling extremely weak and lost. The fact that it was such a ‘personal’ thing to happen makes it easier to talk about it now, but the shame and embarrassment was overpowering, which magnified my self-hate.
Soon after, I put the event at the back of my mind and didn’t think of it again. We continued on our adventure, and approached our destination within the next few days. We left Vancouver with fond memories of our beautiful time together in such wilderness that will forever be engraved in our hearts.
Fast forward three months, I started to panic when I still hadn’t gotten my period. I then started to suffer shooting pains in my lower left side and after a few sleepless nights, I decided it was time to finally see a Doctor. She carried out an ultrasound and it was revealed that I had a cyst growing on my ovary, which was already 8cm and if it would continue to grow, had to be surgically removed. Though ovarian cysts are quite common amongst women, I had never had one before and was bewildered as to why or how I could have gotten one and whether it would continue to grow, or if it could shrink or if there was a way to possibly make it disappear? I saw another Doctor who ran blood tests to make sure I wasn’t low on hormones that meant having children would not be possible. Luckily everything came back as normal but it had me thinking.
It was during one night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, that instinctively I had placed my hands on my lower left side and prayed the pain would go away, when it all started to connect and make sense to me. This cyst was formed for a reason. I created the intention by holding on subconsciusly to that incident which had me so paralyzed by the emotions I felt when I had my period in the public shower. The language I used talking to myself, my body and the thoughts that encompassed me then, were all targeted towards self-hate and the shame of having my period. When I connected the two and realized the creation of my cyst was all my doing, I burst into laughter. If anyone had been in the room with me they would have thought I had gone completely mad! But it was a joyous laughter; almost like a feeling of accomplishment when having solved a complex puzzle. I did this to me! I manifested this cyst. And if I created this to me, I could ‘un-create’ it. I felt very sure and confident that through positive affirmations, strong visualization and through the power of love and compassion, I would make this cyst go away!
So I was set on a personal mission; every morning and every night through conscious breathing, I would send my body love and compassion. Compassion should always start with one self, so I set a strong intention of loving my body. I trusted my own commitment to myself, to loving my organs, to loving every part of me and everything it is capable of doing and in being able to heal itself. I felt a renewed sense of celebrating ‘me’. I set the intention of forgiving myself and to obtain peace within. I would do this for two months and then go for my follow up appointment.
At my next Doctor’s appointment, the ultra-sound had shown that my cyst had gone. To be honest, I knew that even before it was confirmed. It is without a doubt that the power of intention (which can manifest through what we hold on to and what we truly believe in) can help. Healing is said to be synonymous with letting go. Healing, in many aspects is also finding peace. I knew then, that I had fully ‘let go’ and was finally released of the incident, which helped me obtain peace.
Whatever situation we might find ourselves in, we need to remember that we are observant of our surroundings and sponges to our thoughts. Something that might seem very trivial and minor to others could have a profound affect on you. No matter how ‘insignificant’ an incident might be, if its something someone said, someone accused you of, or perhaps from a situation you found yourself in, don’t dismiss your feelings as ‘over reacting’ but rather try to understand where and why the pain was formed. If it triggers a level of stress, or any emotion that doesn’t feel authentic to you, it can and will manifest to’dis-ease’ within the body. Hence such emotions should not be ignored. They should be recognized, understood and released in some way.
People, who are generally healthy and happy, radiate a positive energy, which normally comes from practicing a form of ‘release’ and centering ones mind. Whether it’s through meditation, prayer, creative hobbies or things that celebrate a form of expression, we are able to detach from negative experiences that could have imprinted us with an illness.
Granted, confronting a situation that might have angered, upset or frightened us is not easy; we usually find it habitual to ‘put it behind us’ without actually coming face to face with what truly affected us.
Give it the recognition it deserves, and then forgive yourself by setting the intention of being free from the emotions. For some it may be through writing, for others through conscious breathing and letting go of what profoundly wants to ‘stick’ to us. Whatever you find you enjoy, you will be able to follow through with liberating yourself. We have the choice to heal through intention, and to love oneself with compassion.
For further reading , watch ‘Is there Scientific proof we can heal ourselves?’ on TEDx by Lissa Rankin, MD http://youtu.be/LWQfe__fNbs
Article Source: Sonja Svensek - Student from The School of Life Studies
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